January 12, 2010
(Painting by Lindsey E. Shevkun)
It has been about 2.5 months since I started "the program." I have been so immersed in getting this page together and posting recipes along with decent photographs, that I have been avoiding broaching anything personal. So here I go...
Some positive things noted: I am in better spirits with less mood swings. W and I are getting along better than ever. Although, the IC is still present in my life, I think I look better, my skin is clearer, eyes brighter. I have observed those things in W as well.
I have more energy, although, going out to socialize is still challenging. We went to a small gathering of friends this past weekend, and I was on the verge of tears a couple of times. I was happy to see friends, but part of me still felt weak and vulnerable. I curled up in W's arms at one point to close my eyes and breathe, and that helped, but I was happy to get home and back into my sweats. I think I have been home for so long, I just don't have much stamina or ability to focus and concentrate around multiple people at the same time. It is a lot of stimuli for me to process right now. I do better one on one, or very small groups. I'm not sure what that is about. At least this time, I was not in excruciating pain!! That is a good thing.
I notice that my intuition is stronger than ever. I am a spiritual person, a little on the wu wu side, and some of the wu wu is stronger than ever. I seem to have more clarity about things and a calmness that was not there before. I feel "healthier" even with the IC and pelvic/back pain present. I'll have to keep an eye on that and see what transpires.
I did very well at my daughter's place, Sunday, considering I prepared dinner. My back and pelvic floor hurt badly, but L, my 25 yr old daughter ,was complaining hers hurt too! I was so happy to be around her, and I managed to get through the day just fine. Walking Monday was a bit more painful, so I just took it easy.
Another plus: I am sleeping, more than not. I still have a few 2-3 hour nights, but I am having more nights where I am getting between 5-7 hours of sleep, and for me that is excellent and has to play an important role in my healing.
I am trying to be more present and cognizant of my actions and my speech. Making small and subtle changes in my thinking has helped, but physical manifestations of this has helped too. For example, I started dry skin brushing again, from toe to head and I have to admit that it has become a sacred ritual for me. W came home and surprised me with a lovely skin brush he picked up at Whole Foods.
This ritual is forcing me to take time for me, to honor me, and to honor my body. This is an important part of the healing process. When you have something like IC, you begin to resent your body and feel it has betrayed you. It becomes the enemy, rather than the disease. I am working to turn that around. I have to apply a special herbal, clay paste to parts of my body, let it sit and then soak in either an epsom salt bath or clay based bath. I begin with the dry skin brushing, apply the paste, meditate, soak, and then shower.
I imagine the paste and bath pulling the toxins from my body, and the shower, washing it all away. I used to put this off until evening and it always felt like such a chore. Now I am doing it first thing in the morning, and I am amazed at the impact it is having, how much better I feel starting my day, and the great head space that it puts me in. I look forward to further improvement and will try to include more of these observations.
What does cause some frustration is that I have lost 12-13 pounds in 2.5 months but it has not budged for the past few weeks. I have to admit I have not fulfilled my resolution to exercise. I need to START. I am an all or nothing kind of person and once I actually begin the momentum, continuing is much easier. So the next time I write, hopefully, I will be able to say that I am exercising regularly and am also seeing weight loss. But given the way I am eating compared to previously...I am hoping for continued weight loss and of course continued improvement of health.
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